By now we’ve been through three lockdowns so you may have started to notice the phases you go through each time BoJo announces a new one.
You probably knew it was coming and yet you’re still surprised and disappointed when a lockdown is announced. The past year has been a rollercoaster of emotions from doing nothing but watching Netflix in lockdown 1.0 to being able to go for brunch if you were the chosen few in Tier Two to being locked up again, looking despairingly at another banana bread recipe. You understand the need for lockdown but don’t know how many more hours you can take of scrolling through TikTok.
2. When life gives you lemons?
This is the acceptance phase, when you are fully aware that lockdown is crap but willing to make the most of it. You take part in online bingo and charity 5ks. Maybe you even do that clear out you’ve been talking about for years. Inevitably, this phase usually only lasts about a week when you settle into daily lie-ins and vegetating on the sofa.
3. Netflix and Chill.
Remember lockdown 1.0 when Tiger King had just come out, and there were still new shows to watch? Now our only lifeline is Bridgerton and watching Friends over and over again. But still, you can’t seem to bring yourself to do much more than watch Netflix, and you willfully ignore that invite to the weekly family zoom quiz with your grandma who always accidentally mutes herself or switches her camera off.
4. New hobby, new me?
If you manage to peel yourself off the sofa, you may try to start a new hobby after feeling bad that you are doing nothing productive whilst stuck in the house. What’s your poison? Knitting? A sourdough starter? Maybe you just try out every TikTok trend you come across, only to leave your botched tye-dye job in the back of your wardrobe shoved behind the mounds of online shopping.
5. Ooo, a sale!
I know, I know, that sparkly dress is calling your name. But who knows when you’ll next get a night out? Maybe you’ll be too old to wear it by the time you stumble into the club at the humble age of 87 following lockdown 42. So maybe hold off on the ‘buy now’ button and just stick to your dressing gown for now.
6. That’s it! I’m dropping out of uni.
Desperately trying to fight the awkward silence in your 54th painful breakout room of the year, you think, this is it, I’m done. It’s so bad now that you even miss the library and 9am lectures, anything to avoid more pre-recorded babble and breakout rooms when neither of you has done the work.
7. False hope.
You decide that no, you can’t give up now. Especially with vaccine rollouts you hold onto the slither of hope that you might be able to down tequila shots on a bar again some night in the distant future (May, that is). If not, maybe you’ll be able to get drunk in your friend’s living room and if you’re really lucky, maybe even hug them? Now that the bar is much lowered for nights out, you’d take anything, as long as it was alcoholic and your friends were there.
8. Bored? Tinder is the answer
A year in, your boredom has reached new lows and you decide it’s time to re-download Tinder, an app you deleted after one too many ‘What you up to?’ messages. It’s all fun and games until you accidentally swipe right on that PHD student who leads your seminars and you have to face them on zoom the next day. Approach with caution.
9. A Pizza Hut, A Pizza Hut, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut
If your bank statement resembles the 00s banger ‘Fast Food Song’ with various orders from Pizza Hut, KFC and McDonalds, you may be addicted to Deliveroo. Don’t worry, it’s easily done when the only thing you have to look forward to is food but maybe slow down a little.
10. Please, not another walk.
Yes, walks are basically the only form of social interaction still allowed under new lockdown measures, but I don’t think this is what the Proclaimers meant when they said they’d walk 500 miles. Wouldn’t you rather drink some wine and bitch over Facetime rather than freezing your arse off in the park you’ve basically lived in since last March?
Good luck as you traverse this new lockdown, we hope you can cope with the third rendition of lockdown by making it through these 10 common phases.